Ahead of World Mental Health Day: you deserve to feel heard
Have you ever told someone how you’re feeling, then come away wishing you hadn’t?
Perhaps they offered advice before you had finished speaking. Maybe they reassured you that things could be worse or told you about a time they felt something similar. Their intentions might have been kind, but you still felt that something important had been missed.
Sometimes, what you want is a little time to explain what life feels like for you, without someone immediately trying to change it.
Ahead of World Mental Health Day on 10 October, I’ve been reflecting on what it means to feel heard.
This year, the World Health Organization’s theme is “Lived experiences heard: real voices, real change.”
It calls for people with lived experience of mental health conditions to help shape the services, policies and decisions that affect their lives.
That includes an important question for anyone offering support:
How can we make sure the person’s own understanding of their experience has space to influence what happens next?
There is more to listening than hearing the words
You might describe yourself as stressed, anxious or overwhelmed. Those words can be a starting point, but they don’t tell someone everything about your experience.
“Overwhelmed” might mean struggling to keep up with responsibilities. It could mean feeling unable to disappoint anyone, having too many decisions to make or carrying something you haven’t felt able to talk about.
Two people can use the same word and mean quite different things.
Feeling heard might involve someone taking time to ask what that word means to you. It might mean being able to correct a misunderstanding, express mixed feelings or explain something without being rushed towards a solution.
You deserve space for the details that matter to you.
When advice arrives before understanding
The following example is fictional.
After a difficult week, Hannah tells a friend she’s finding work exhausting.
Her friend suggests updating her CV and looking for another job. Hannah knows this is meant to help, but she finds herself agreeing and changing the subject.
She isn’t sure she wants to leave. She likes parts of her work. What she wanted to explain was how difficult she finds asking for help, and how embarrassed she feels when she can’t manage everything on her own.
Later, she tries again.
“I might want to think about options eventually, but could you listen for a little while first? I’m still trying to understand what’s making it so difficult.”
This gives her friend a clearer sense of what she needs. It doesn’t guarantee the conversation will go perfectly, but it creates an opportunity for them to approach it differently.
You can have a say in the support you receive
It may feel uncomfortable to tell someone that their advice doesn’t fit, particularly when you appreciate their concern.
You might worry about seeming ungrateful or difficult. Yet being able to say what helps, what doesn’t and what you’re unsure about is a valuable part of receiving support.
You could try:
“That’s part of it, but there’s something else I’m finding difficult.”
“Could you ask me a bit more before we think about solutions?”
“I’m not sure what I need yet. It helps to be able to talk it through.”
You don’t have to find a perfect way to explain yourself. The responsibility for understanding a conversation is shared.
A small exercise: what would I like someone to understand?
If you’d like to reflect, take a few minutes with these three prompts:
What someone might notice about me is …
Perhaps you seem quieter, keep yourself busy or usually say that everything is fine.
What they might not realise is …
There may be something happening beneath the surface that feels difficult to explain.
What I would appreciate from them is …
You might want listening, practical help, a question, some company or time to decide.
Your answers can stay private. If you choose to share something, you can decide who to tell and how much feels comfortable.
An awareness day doesn’t create an obligation to make your experiences public.
What feeling heard can mean in counselling
In my person-centred work, I aim to understand your experience from your perspective. That includes being open to correction when I haven’t quite understood, and making room for what matters to you.
You can let me know if a question doesn’t feel helpful, if you would like to stay with something longer or if you’re unsure how the sessions are feeling. We can talk about that together.
At Held With Care Counselling, I offer person-centred counselling for adults in Stockport and online. If you’d like to explore working together, you’re welcome to enquire about a free 15-minute introductory call.
As World Mental Health Day approaches, perhaps there is room to ask: