Pregnancy and baby loss: making space for grief when words feel difficult
There may be things you want to say about your loss, but you’re unsure where to begin. Perhaps you worry about upsetting someone, making a conversation uncomfortable or being met with words that don’t help.
You might want to talk about your baby, the pregnancy or the future you had started to imagine. You might also want privacy, or find that what you need changes from one day to the next.
Baby Loss Awareness Week takes place from 9-15th October, creating space to acknowledge pregnancy and baby loss and the people affected by it. You can find out more through the Baby Loss Awareness Week website.
Whether your loss was recent or happened years ago, there is room for your experience.
When other people don’t know what to say
People may want to comfort you but struggle to find words. Sometimes they offer reassurance about the future or try to find something positive.
Comments such as “You can try again” or “At least you know you can get pregnant” may leave you feeling that what happened has been passed over. You may find yourself reassuring the other person whilst still needing support yourself.
If it feels useful, you could tell someone what you would welcome:
“I don’t need you to make this better. I would just like you to listen.”
or:
“I’d like to talk about what happened, without thinking about what comes next.”
You don’t have to explain your needs perfectly, and you aren’t responsible for making everyone else comfortable with your grief.
There is room for different things
You may feel sadness, anger, numbness, longing or a mixture that is difficult to describe. There may be moments when you feel able to engage with everyday life, followed by moments when something feels particularly painful.
A date, a pregnancy announcement or an unexpected question might bring up feelings you weren’t prepared for.
You may also find yourself comparing your response with someone else’s. If you have a partner, you might want to talk when they need quiet, or feel unsure what their way of responding means.
Where it feels possible, a question such as “What would feel supportive today?” can make room for those differences without requiring either of you to have the same answer.
Your feelings deserve attention without having to look a particular way.
Giving yourself some choice
Everyday situations can become complicated after a loss. You may be deciding whether to attend a gathering, respond to a message or tell someone why you have been away.
You can consider what feels manageable and how much you want to share. That might mean leaving an event early, asking someone else to pass on information or choosing not to explain.
If you would like a moment to reflect, you could gently ask yourself:
What do I wish someone understood about how things feel for me?
Would I welcome company, practical help, a conversation or some privacy today?
Is there anything I would like to give myself permission to step back from?
These questions are optional. You don’t need to turn grief into something to work through on paper.
Remembering in your own way
Today, 15th October at 7pm, the Wave of Light invites people to light a candle in memory of babies who have died.
For some, taking part offers a sense of connection. Others may prefer to remember privately or step away from awareness week content altogether.
You might choose to use your baby’s name, keep something meaningful, spend time with someone who understands or simply allow the day to pass without making plans.
Taking part is a choice. You don’t have to share your experience publicly for it to matter.
Finding somewhere you can be heard
Support can take different forms. You might want to speak with someone you trust, connect with other bereaved people or explore how you are feeling in counselling.
Sands offers support for anyone affected by pregnancy or baby loss, whether the loss happened recently or long ago. You can contact its free helpline on 0808 164 3332 or email helpline@sands.org.uk. Current opening hours are available on their website.
At Held With Care, I offer person-centred counselling for adults in Stockport and online. If you would like to explore whether working together feels right, you’re welcome to enquire about a free 15-minute introductory call.
You don’t need to arrive with a complete story or know exactly what you want to say. We can begin with what feels possible for you.