You finish something you’ve worked hard on, but your attention goes straight to what you could have done better.
Someone gives you a compliment, and you find a reason it doesn’t count. You reach a goal, then immediately think about the next thing you should be doing.
Perhaps you notice this at work, in relationships or when you compare yourself with people online. Whatever you do, the feeling of being “good enough” seems to stay just out of reach.
It can be exhausting to keep measuring yourself against expectations that leave a little room for being human.
What does “good enough” mean to you?
You might have a clear picture of the person you think you should be: confident, productive, thoughtful, organised and always available for others.
But when you look closely, some of those expectations may be difficult to meet together. Being constantly available to everyone, for example, leaves little time to rest or attend to your own needs.
It can help to pause and ask: What am I expecting of myself here? Is that expectation fair, and is it something I actually want?
You don’t have to give up the things that matter to you. There may be space to reconsider how you speak to yourself whilst working towards them.
When one difficulty becomes a judgement about you
Imagine Maya sending a piece of work to her manager. The feedback is mostly positive, with a few changes requested.
Maya spends the evening thinking about the corrections. She barely remembers the positive comments and tells herself, “I should have got it right the first time. I’m clearly not very good at this.”
This is a fictional example, but you might recognise how quickly a specific experience can become a much wider conclusion about yourself.
There are changes Maya needs to make to one piece of work. That gives her something to respond to, but it doesn’t tell the whole story of her ability or worth.
An exercise: making your response more balanced
If you notice a harsh thought about yourself, try writing it down in your own words. Then work through these three steps.
Describe what happened as specifically as you can
For Maya, this might be: “My manager asked me to revise two sections and said the rest of the work was clear.”
Notice what you’re telling yourself it means
“I’m not capable. I should never need corrections.”
Write a response that includes more of the picture
“Some parts need changing, and other parts worked well. I can use the feedback without deciding that I’m bad at my job.”
The aim is to find words you can believe. You don’t have to replace criticism with a glowing statement about yourself.
You could also ask, What would I say to someone I cared about in this situation? Notice whether you would give them room to learn, make mistakes or have a difficult day, and whether you could offer yourself some of that room too.
Whose expectations are you carrying?
The standards you measure yourself against may come from several places: family, education, work, relationships or messages about what a successful life should look like.
Some may feel meaningful. Others may be expectations you’ve carried for a long time without having much opportunity to question them.
You might find these prompts useful:
When do I feel most strongly that I’m not enough?
What do I believe I need to do to earn approval or acceptance?
Do I let my achievements count, or quickly dismiss them?
How would I like to treat myself when something goes wrong?
You can reflect on one question at a time. There’s no need to turn understanding yourself into another thing you must get right.
Exploring self-esteem in counselling
It can be difficult to talk about feeling inadequate, especially when you worry that other people will see you in the same way.
Counselling offers space to explore those feelings and the experiences that may have shaped how you see yourself. We can take time to understand your expectations, what matters to you and how you would like to relate to yourself.
At Held With Care, I offer person-centred counselling for adults in Stockport and online. If this feels familiar, you’re welcome to get in touch for a free 15-minute introductory call.
You can bring the parts of yourself you find difficult to accept, as well as the parts you feel comfortable sharing.